Dedication and Introduction: 27/07/09

Dedicated to all the truck drivers out there, who do a difficult and dangerous job, unnoticed by all but the few, yet serve the general public in so many ways. Without them every aspect of our daily lives would be so much more inconvenient. Without them Stobart-spotters would have to stand on cold platforms watching trains. Without them the life of the hedgehog would be longer and less two-dimensional.
In particular, to Ken and Jan, Gods rest your souls, and to all my friends on the road. I’ll see you on the flip-side!


Foreword

Trucking, for me, is a combination of the very best and the very worst of jobs. I have been to places and seen things that the average man in the street could not even imagine.
Sunrise over the mountains in Salzburg, reflecting in the lake, bringing me to tears at its phenomenal natural beauty. Swiss-style chalets in Aosta in Northern Italy lit up with fairy lights in the very early hours of Christmas Eve, twinkling and sparkling in the snow-rimed landscape. Vast swathes of vineyards in the southern French villages, being lovingly tended by black-dressed elderly women, whilst men in the background sit in the sun, drinking wine.

Without the HGV licence I would probably never have had the chance to observe and enjoy such sights. There has been comedy, there have been tears, but only very seldom has there
been boredom.

The downside is that it really is a job for a single man. Marriages and other
relationships so frequently do not last, which is why I refer to ‘Girlfriend du jour’ throughout.

I am not a prodigiously romantic person, but I discovered that a relationship is so often not sustainable when time and distance are thrown into the mix. You can easily be away from home for six months at a time, and it is simply unfair on the partner who has to stay at home and keep house.

It has to be said, though, that in the midst of beauty there can be chaos. One of the
pre-requisites of good continental truck drivers is the ability to think on their feet, or
technically on their arse, because there are no plans so carefully made, no schedules so painstakingly drawn up that the hand of Murphy cannot totally screw up with just a little prod.

What follows is, in itself, a journey. My journey, from disenchanted coach driver to a member of the brotherhood (and increasingly sisterhood) of professional truck drivers. Next time you grow annoyed with the truck in front of you, just remember that he could be me.

Give them a wave and a smile. At the very least you will confuse them for the rest of the day


Glossary

Before we embark on the journey, I should explain that I will be using technical terms throughout the book. I have, therefore, compiled a list of the more important terms for your information, and to save you scurrying for the dictionary. (I should point out that my concern is not so much that you should tire yourself in your relentless quest for knowledge and understanding, but that you should find the dictionary to be more entertaining than the book you are now reading)

Articulated Lorry:
A Heavy Goods unit designed to carry maximum volume and weight. These things are also
designed to bend when turning. This can come as a bit of a surprise if you have just sneaked up the inside at a crossroads or similar intersection when the artic is clearly indicating a left turn and yet is sitting on the right hand side of the road. Clearly he has left his indicator on in error, right? Wrong... That will be because he needs to swing out to the right before he turns left. And the trailer that is currently on your right is shortly going to be collecting you and
your car, and introducing it forcefully to the pavement, because, of course, you are now in the blind spot, and the truck driver cannot see you. If you happened to be the driver of the rather pretty pink VW Beetle in Winchester, well, now you know!

Artic:
Another term for Articulated Lorry. See also HGV

Arctic:
When applied to geography, the most northerly part of the planet Earth. Not, in any way, another term for Articulated Lorry.

Car transporter:
A vehicle designed so the driver can have a multi vehicle accident all on his own.

CMR forms:
Convention des Marchandises Routiers.
Paperwork to facilitate the total confusion of drivers, warehousemen and customs officials throughout Europe.

Customs and Excise:
Throughout the known world Customs officials work tirelessly. No one really knows why.

Diesel:
The fuel that most trucks run on. Actually, more correctly called DERV (Diesel Engine, Road Vehicles) this fuel is a very pale yellow, incredibly smelly and slippery. You do not want to get it on your shoes if you want to keep your head higher than your feet. Red diesel is sold as a fuel for heating, for agricultural tractors and is tax reduced. Whilst it works equally well in cars and lorries, for some reason the Customs and Excise folk get quite peeved when people use it for such purposes.

Diesel:
Favourite word of one of my transport managers. We even nicknamed him Diesel Dave, for his habit of saying, ‘Diesel go there, then diesel go over there…’

Double manning:
The act of running one truck with two drivers, to allow more driving time, and to help with difficult loads.

Duple:
A company that built coach bodies onto Bedford chassis, gearbox and engine.

Exhaust brake:
A device that is elegantly simple in operation. On long descents you really don’t want to keep using the brakes, as they can overheat and rapidly lose effect. An exhaust brake basically shoves a cork in the engine exhaust, turning it into a very powerful brake at the push of a button, and allowing you to control your descent without resorting too often to the main brakes.

Exhaust break:
The time you take out of the cab of the truck when your co-driver has had Brussels sprouts curry for dinner again…

Fifth wheel:
The mechanical linkage on a tractor unit that allows the trailer to be connected. You would be surprised, I think, at just how small the actual connecting pin is. Don’t, I caution you, have a look, or you will never ever tailgate a truck again.

Handbrake:
Device to mechanically and pneumatically lock the brakes in the ‘on position’ on a vehicle.

Hand break:
The result of trying to catch a two hundred kilo pallet.

HGV:
Heavy Goods Vehicle. Also LGV, or Large goods vehicle. Requires a special driving licence to operate, and a close attention to record keeping.

Night Trunking:
It is often convenient to move goods and materials between sites during the night, when roadsare clearer, and factories and warehouses are not at full capacity. The technique of moving a load from one depot to another, dropping the load, collecting a replacement and returning to your own depot.

RORO:
Roll On, Roll Off ferries. These ships have doors at bow and stern, so trucks can drive on at
the docks and drive straight off at the other end, without having to reverse.

Rororo:
Your boat. Gently down the stream

SatNav:
A device which allows you to get hopelessly lost to an accuracy previously undreamed of.

Sheet:
Canvas and plastic covering, designed to both enclose and secure your load on a tilt trailer or a flatbed.
Sheet!:

Your reaction when you realise you have just delivered the goods that were destined for York
to Alicante.

Suzie:
The name given to the air lines and electrical couplings linking a tractor unit to a trailer.

T Forms:
A set of paperwork that is required to be filled in by an agent, and stamped by Customs and Excise, to allow the passage of goods over borders.

Tea forms:
Chitty for a free cuppa.

Tacho or Tachograph.
Device for recording drivers’ hours, waiting time (see weight limit) break taken and road speed. Often known as the ‘Spy in the Cab.’ When I drove for a living it took the form of a device that recorded all driving hours, work that was not driving and breaks, on a waxed disc.
Every day you changed the disc for a new one, and you had to keep the old discs for
inspection by the police and other authorities. When you use a tacho disc you have to put your name, the start location, end location, and start and finish mileages on them, in pen.
These days they are being superseded by electronic devices that store digitally the same information. The words tacho and tachograph can be used for both the device and the recording medium.

TIR park:
It is not uncommon for vehicles travelling in a foreign country to finally clear customs not at the border but considerably inland of the border. To that end there are ‘TIR’ parks. Transport Internationale Routiers, where un-cleared truck and trailer loads have to park and where they may finally get customs clearance.

Trailer:
There are many types of HGV trailer.

• Tilt. This is a common, yet horribly unwieldy form of trailer. Very much like a frame tent, it has a steel skeleton that holds the canvas roof and sides, and has been designed so that you have to dismantle it to load pretty much anything. To dismantle it you have to remove the incredibly heavy, unwieldy canvas tilt sheet. Normally in the dark, in the rain, at 2am, on your own. To rebuild it you simply have to reverse the dismantling procedure. Except you have to somehow haul the sheet fifteen feet onto the roof, then get all the fiddly eyes to fit the hooks on the framework. Which they never do. Then you have to feed the security cable through all 150 hooks and eyes. In the dark. And the cable will always have one sharp strand of wire which will either snag or rip a chunk of skin off your hand. And once you have got the whole lot together, the loading foreman will say, ‘Sorry Drive, we forgot this bit. It’s the most important part of the load. Can we just pop it on the trailer?’

• Reefer. A refrigerated trailer. Using the same technology as a standard household fridge, but expanded to industrial scale, these trailers are common on the roads. They either have a diesel engine and compressor at the front or slung underneath the trailer, and can freeze the entire trailer to below -20 degrees. Some are designed so that different areas can be set to different temperatures, allowing the operator to carry frozen foods, chilled foods, such as fruit and veg, and ambient, such as clothing. If you get it wrong, of course, you can find yourself delivering 650 deep frozen The Little Mermaid costumes to The Disney
Shop on the Champs Elyse in Paris. Yes, I did.

• Flat bed. Not so common these days, this is just as it sounds, a flat trailer. A very useful trailer, but it does require the operator to have a grounding in roping and sheeting, lest he should wish to explain to the local constabulary exactly why he found it necessary to deliver twenty tonnes of glass milk bottles to the Renault garage on that tight bend. No, I didn't.

• Taut, taughtliner or curtain-sider. These trailers are possibly the easiest to use, under most circumstances. They are constructed as a flat-bed trailer, with a metal framework holding canvas curtains, which are pulled closed to contain the load, and fastened tightly with ratchet straps. It is worth remembering, however, that the curtains on their own are not designed to secure the load. Which is why you may see some of these trailers with bulges in the side, as the top pallet of bricks tries to make a break for freedom.

• Box trailer. The second simplest construction, being basically a box on wheels. The loads enter and leave through the back doors. These trailers are most commonly used for palletised goods that can be manoeuvred by means of a pallet truck.
There are other types, such as skeleton trailers, trombone trailers and step frame. Just be aware that skeleton trailers seldom carry bones, trombone trailers are pretty much useless for carrying brass band instruments, and step frame trailers have a step in the frame.

Unit:
Another name for Tractor.

U nit:
You’ve just delivered the goods that were destined for Axminster to Alicante.

Weight limit:
The maximum weight of vehicle allowed along a certain route. This may be due to it being in a residential area, or possibly due to a narrow or weak bridge or similar structure.

Wait limit:
‘Look, if you don’t get this bloody trailer loaded pretty quick I’m pulling out of the line and
going home!’